Kristi Davis: Pain and yoga and fear

I hate yoga.

This is a recent realization for me. I used to love it and looked forward to my class every week. I would leave feeling relaxed and rejuvenated and ready to face my day.

Things have changed.

Six months ago, I had a really bad bike accident, and I am lucky that I am able to walk right now.

I took the Colorado National Monument on my face going 25 MPH. I don’t recommend this mode of going downhill to anyone.

I really messed myself up and I have had to basically sit out of my life since April. I have been on strict orders to not bend, twist or lift anything heavier than a small handbag.

It has been a tough road and really frustrating to ask for help for things that I usually do myself. I did it though and at the beginning of November I was released to start back to my normal activities slowly. Only to do things if there was no pain involved.

The first thing I wanted to get back to was yoga. I was so excited for that first class and didn’t even think that I would have any issues. It’s just stretching right?

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

As I started to make my way through the poses, I realized something had changed.

Me.

I am not the person I was 6 months ago. I am terrified I am going to break myself again.

I lay there in that dim room and try to do what everybody else is doing, but it just doesn’t seem to work. It hurts to bend and twist like I used to. I have this anxiety that I am going to hurt myself doing something as benign as trying to touch my toes and have to give up my active life again.

I find myself limping through this on the verge of tears because of all the unknowns in front of me.

Will I ever be able to do the things I love again?

Am I going to be relegated to watching all the activities that I used to participate in?

I am so angry and defeated when I leave yoga now. I feel like I am never going to be me again. I don’t know if I will ever be able to do the things I love without pain.

I always thought it would be my MS that knocked me out of life, not crashing my bike. I know I have to give myself time, but I already feel like I am on a slippery slope. I never know what MS will bring me day to day, so there is always that thought in my mind: Is this my last good day?

I think this thought is in the back of everybody’s mind who deals with chronic pain and illness. I never know if I am going to be able to function at this same level day to day. Is my body not going to work for me tomorrow?

Slowly getting back to your normal activities is all relative when there are so many unknowns in your health. I deal with such a mysterious disease that there is no timeline of how I am going to feel today, tomorrow or in the near future. I have just added a huge hurdle to all of this with my accident.

I wish someone could look into the future and let me know when this will get better for me. I hope that this fear goes away soon because I want to enjoy yoga and my life as I knew it again.

Kristi Davis is a Fruita mom who is married with two sons. Read her Wednesdays on FruitaMoms.com.